bummed...

feeling bummed...Big Time Lonely, always. It's Saturday. All's so quiet. rarely get into anything. creativity is shot. want to 1%, but never grab at the life preserver Not helping God by helping myself. just waiting for Him to do it all, needing a miracle. Yesterday was Friday...and it was awful again...I was remembering how Friday was the best day of our week. It was our Date Night...but those are over. so much is over., except ugly grief. it's not over, and i fear it will be the never ending story..........

                                                     i wear sadness like a new skin
                                                           like a snake, that shed the old happy skin for this new
                                                                                                       sad, sad, sad skin.

where are my children ?  those babies we had and loved so, all grown up now with new lives, loves, needs...i see glimpses of them from time to time,  i know they are out there...do they know i am here alone, always, lonely always.  empty, disconnected, overwhelmed with thoughts about my future ?????????????????????????????????? ahhhhhh, compassion is a diluted drink, stale with life's passing.

                                                           who is this woman ?  I hardly recognize her or her life now

i remember how contentment felt...you don't know it while you posess it, but when it leaves you know it was the most wonderful feeling...freeing, safe, assured, confident, peaceful, grateful. and then death steals it from you...never to live in your heart totally ever ever again.  You will not know contentment again.   Grief takes its place in your mind, your heart...your soul?   I would give ANYTHING to sense that feeling, contentment, for one second. one second just one second.    SLEEP is the closest gift that mimics contentment, in that everything stops, all pain ceases for a time when you go off into the blackness, the nothingness of sleep and therefore...you have a kind of contentment. Happiness...joy...many say---it is a choice.  make that choice !   I think I want those things or maybe i don't really

                                      would the yellow rose want to grow...
                                              knowing the sun will never shine on her again?
                                                               could she grow at all ...
                                       would she fight to survive, live, bloom,                                                                                climb and stretch searching for the light
                                       or would she... forlorn...simply wither and die.?..